Feels like I haven’t done a blog in ages and that might be due to the blogging site I was using being bought out and the site shutting down.
Well I am here now but Where am I now?
Well reading my last post about working in the real world made me grin as I am actually on another mini adventure like that and I have really enjoyed it but I know that will soon come to a close due to my music.
I cannot believe how people dig into you life when your trying to just fit in and not be anyone different, but I made a simple mistake using an email that gave inquisitive people a back door to my other world.
I still deny I am the person they think I am and they are not sure, but there are a few that sing my tunes and look at me with a grin hoping for a positive response which I ignore loll
Yeah it sound funny but for me its uncomfortable but I love this little job that allows me to interact almost seamlessly and the people are all really cool and real, although due to the recient association I have cut down my adventure to just doing a few hours 1 day a week to keep off the radar.
For the last few years I have been trying to be as grounded as I can. The funny thing is I know I am grounded but I am trying to feel grounded by doing normal jobs and blending in. I just want to be normal and I do feel normal now days so things are looking up.
I know this sounds weird but my depression is some how connected to my recurring success and my music making is my escape from depression (there are many other things that fuel my depression).
I make music to get lost and feel free but then that music becomes successful and so I get anxious from the attention and I recoil then i slowly start to get down and down. There is a cycle here.
I have a saying I use a lot “People are weird”
Anyway I put the music out because it’s my escape and I need to know I’m on the right track with the music I make, so it has to be set free so I can see if it fails or succeeds and then it sells in a big way which I can not deny pays my bills so I don’t need to work but then the after effects of success kick in again and I start to feel anxious as it only takes a few haters to really make me recoil…. everything effects everything else
There is no clear answer as I won’t give up my music or my musical plans and it has to be released because I am testing myself all the time to see if I am worth anything. This is why I rarely promote anything,
My music need to grow through it’s own power of being good and not from any kind of hype.
Anyway it’s all getting very close now.
I did have about 6 months when I though I would need to work for the additional money to gain the studio mix downs but in the end that was not as difficult as I thought.
I am glad I never pawned myself on Kickstarter as that’s not really who I am and I realise now that I will always be alone in my missions to make and release music, but anyway I am now just in the final tweaking of volume 1 with volume 2, all down in the digital side (again just need to mix the Volume 2 album again on an SSL desk)
I’m a lot better nowadays (with depression) than I have been. I almost feel normal and being part of a team (1 day a week) when I do my mini adventure is very real and fulfilling and yet I know once things get released and some how people find out then I will have to leave.
I have been climbing my way out of depression by working on this massive project and now I am at the cusp of the mountain.
The road down this mountain can take many forms :- failure, over success, or a nice middle ground where I can roll on a bike with my legs stretch out from the gears and enjoying the breeze in my face…Don’t know which it will be but it’s always like this before a release?
So for now all things are positive. I’m buzzing with my first album, it’s so different and unique and it’s going to change the way people perceive what’s possible in an album, using my styles of UK Underground music and todays tech but also using years of passion to create something that hopefully has a value and that will vindicate the eight years of care I have given it.